No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
