I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm like, not good at living.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
