dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
