Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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