watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
