Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
