Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
