You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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