and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
