I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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