So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
