You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
