I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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