sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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