My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
