just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
