I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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