I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
