I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
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My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He shit in the fireplace
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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