mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
