I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
