You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
