What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
