I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
