I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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