some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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