On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
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We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
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I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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