I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
