I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
