I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
