well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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