Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
