So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
