Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
