I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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