a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
