Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
