You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
