hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
