Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
