Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
