just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
