walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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