there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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