we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
