My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
