mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
