We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
