all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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