I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
