you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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