You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
