my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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