I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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