you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
