DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
