she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
