i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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