I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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