Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
