I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The air was thick with penises
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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