1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
