3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
