Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
